2022 / Issue 13

But the most difficult task for me with children of this age is buying groceries together with them. My kids get to take a shopping cart for themselves, while I have a big one for the actual shopping. Of course, they want to fill their own shopping cart, and they love feeling like a grown-up doing these things that mom also does. And I love watching them do it. But there are also many difficult situations and I must be there with my eyes everywhere. One day or another I see them going to things that might break or are expensive. So, I just try to be by their side really quickly and help finish their plot with my hands. Sometimes that works, too. Most of the time they scream “AAAAALONE!!!” Then I sit next to them and beg them not to drop it on the floor. Of course, they already broke things in some stores. One time Milan had a cup in his hands and was so proud of that cup. He really wanted to carry that cup to the other side of the table by himself. He was very eager and gentle and tried so hard to put it back on the table. But those little arms were too short and the cup was too heavy. And it didn’t work. He dropped the cup on the floor, 2 inches from the tabletop, in the middle of the interior store. I felt very sorry. And so was he. You could see a whole world come crashing down on him. He was so enthusiastic about this cup that he could carry it by himself and the next moment it was lying in shards on the floor. The cup and the enthusiasm.

The autonomy stage is a lot about enthusiasm. Like enthusiasm for toys, they just discovered that they can’t share, return, or just leave at the toy store. Or like the excitement of learning new things just to be able to do something new, to feel autonomous. I see the boys very often being so proud of something they just tried on their own and realizing that it really worked. Like Milan, who once came down the stairs with a proud smile on his face. I noticed different clothes than the ones he was wearing a few minutes before. I also perceived that the pants were backwards. And I perceived that the t-shirt was the one from the laundry basket he had filled with yogurt yesterday. Milan called out, “Mooooommy?” I looked at him, waiting for him to speak. He told me, “I put on new clothes” … “I did it” … “by myself” … “all alone.” I gave him a hug and just told him that it was pretty cool that he did it on his own. I could feel his pride in my chest too. It really is pretty cool to be able to put on new clothes by yourself! Damn, cool kid! I ignored the mismatched pants until he wanted to ride his bike, and I ignored the stains on his t-shirt. Actually, I’m pretty good at ignoring stains on clothes since Lias started eating on his own. So, Lias is allowed to eat on his own. And he’s happy doing it, and he’s dirty doing it. Sometimes while Lias is eating, I catch myself feeling my anger increasing. It really is often a mess and who has to clean it up? And who already cleaned it up before?

But on the other hand, I also love to see how he analyzes the spoon and figures out how he has to handle it to get the porridge into his mouth. Of course, while trying, most of the porridge did not reach his mouth but I really was able to watch him learning. And after six tries of not getting the porridge in his mouth, he knew how to handle it. He ate the rest of the porridge successfully. The whole meal was so much fun for him and he really enjoyed learning and eating. So, in my opinion, it was worth it. And it didn’t take me not too much to change his over and over with mash covered clothes and clean the table, the chair, the floor and yes, his hair. But sometimes it takes me too much. Sometimes it’s not possible to let them do exactly what they want. Because sometimes we have to hurry and sometimes, I want them to be clean or I want our dining table to stay clean. And in those situations, I have to put up with their frustration, their screaming, their tears and try to stay calm, listen to their protest but stay determined and walk with them through their anger about it.

I know these little humans are discovering their own will and how to get their will. And that is exactly what I want them to do. I want them to be strong in what they want and what they don’t want. I want them to be able to tell people where their personal boundaries are. And I want them to learn to struggle with different opinions and the resulting emotions in a good way. But the way to become a person who is able to do that is to be a child who learns to do that.

P.S. The fact that Lias just started kindergarten gives me five hours a day of kid-free time now. I can probably use that to separate things I have to do from the kids’ afternoon. I hope this will reduce the amount of trouble. But on the other hand, kindergarten acclimatization can also take a lot. Of course, a lot from the child itself, but also from all the other people involved. Next time I would like to share my thoughts about the two kindergarten acclimatization that I have experienced.