2023 / Issue 14

For our second child I really had to learn to also see my needs. When I was 6-months-pregnant with Lias, Milan was a two-year-old little boy, who still couldn’t sleep without his head on my belly or chest. He still didn’t want to walk and wanted to be carried all the time and he still had so many needs that were loud and important to be satisfied immediately. I really was afraid how it would be to take care of a little boy, who is still this little and has grown up so far with 100% of mom and on the other hand a little baby, who deserves the same attention and care. For sure this would be a completely new life again.

Luckily, I was not alone and my husband and I each still gave 100% to one child in the first weeks. So, the first time with a little brother was amazing for Milan and Lias has enjoyed a postpartum period like his older brother did with full care and attention. After my husband went back to work, I had to learn how to manage all this alone. I was really not in a bad position. When it got too heavy, I could always call my family and friends. So, there was a big background, that made it easy for me. But I am a person who wants to do things by myself, so we all had to grow together and find our way. And we did. On the one hand I have to admit that Lias was a very “easy” baby. On the other hand, having a big sibling for the new baby also has benefits for the baby care. Lias for example was very calm, when Milan was around. He loved to hear his voice too. Later Milan became his hero. Milan was more interesting for playing than me. Lias needs are kind of separated in needs, that mom has to satisfy and needs that Milan has to satisfy. Most of his needs of entertainment and playing or being autonomic are needs that Milan takes care of.

And I am happy about this. Sometimes there were situations where I could do things undisturbed. For example, eating my lunch after Milan finished his and went to play with Lias on the play mat. Sometimes it was enough to look at them and just eat without a child on my legs. To be clear: I am talking about minutes, not more. But since these moments now exist, I remembered and missed doing things undisturbed. So, I kind of changed my inner behavior. I started to miss me-time like my morning-routine before children. With children I took my shower in the evening instead of in the morning, because I didn’t want to wake them too early. I renounced coffee, while breastfeeding and started the day with breakfast for the children. Getting back to my morning routine was the first thing I changed just for myself. I made the decision to get up earlier, so that I can take a shower, get myself ready and drink a coffee undisturbed in the morning. After a little transition time, the kids learned to keep sleeping even when I got up already.

To have two children taught me that it’s possible to also make children wait a bit until their needs are met. If there are more needs that have to be satisfied at the same moment, I choose the most urgent one and the others have to wait. And since I learned this, I also learned that my needs may be urgent too. So now both of them sometimes have to wait for a moment, also when it’s not because of the sibling but because of mom. To be honest, often it still doesn’t work well. Waiting is difficult for children. So, my morning just is quiet, while they are still sleeping.

After 4 years of giving all of me for my two children, my second little boy started Kindergarten. This was a big step for all of us and changed our life completely again. A few weeks after an upsetting beginning, I saw myself coming home, standing in my kitchen, looking around and the feeling that there is nothing I really need to do at the moment. It was the same feeling, I always felt back in university or school after a very challenging exam was done.

Now I feel myself again as a person not just as a mom, doing things that have to be done, work and do the grocery shopping in the morning and in the afternoon, I am a 100% mom. This works out very well for us. But the way to this was very hard for me.

I have very sensitive educators in the groups of my boys. I really trust them and they share most of the views on how to treat children that are important to me. But leaving while the kid is upset is one of the points that I do not agree with. They justify it with the fact that it’s important that I show my kids that I trust the educators and signal to them: I am giving you in good hands. “They will take care of you, while I am away. And I will come back soon. Goodbye”, were the words that I should tell my kids before I leave. The educators explained to me that it is also important that the kids learn to say goodbye, accept the leaving of the parent and learn to know that the parent will come back. I can understand that, but it was and still is not easy for me to accept that the opinions of other people are affecting how I handle my children now. Also affecting their behavior, their language and their view of the world. Surely this is also a gift. Children should grow up in the world and their growing up and learning should not be restricted by the family. But at the beginning this was difficult for me and I had to learn to handle this. I still remember when Milan went to kindergarten, that there was not a single word of his that I didn’t know how he learned it. After the first days in the kindergarten, he came home with completely new words that he didn’t learn by me. Of course, being able to learn words from different people is a benefit. You want to hear the first words? He speaks German, it was “großartig” with the meaning of “admirable”. It is a wonderful German word, and I know the educators are using it to describe things the kids are doing. Großartig! You want to hear the second new word? It was “Alter”. You can use “Alter” in two different ways. It’s something like “Bro” or “Dude”, which can be used in any sentence at the beginning or the ending like “Bro? I want to eat”. You can also use it for cursing like “Damn”. Of course, this isn’t one of the worst words and he already also learned way worse words, but still, you might not expect a 2-year-old to learn and use words like this.

But of course, since then, the boys are not only learning from me and my family, they even learn not only from the educators but also from the other children. And this usually also is a benefit. Even though since then, I have to spend more time on exercises like “Don’t hit”, “Don’t take away”, “In our family, we use ‘I would like’ instead of ‘I want” and also on lessons like “There will be no birthday party if you don’t invite me to it, because I’m the one who organizes it” often, when Milan is mad at me.

But all in all, I know Kindergarten is a benefit for my children. And for me too, because that’s the reason why I can also think about myself again this year. So, this year, I finally also have new year’s resolutions for myself again, like being better in contacting my friends and family and like taking it upon myself to exercise more again.

I wish all of you a great new year. With love and regards,

Nina Winter